Lovers and Tomato Juice

OMG! Super exciting!  My first real advice post!  I'll be sure to make it super good!
So, my first plead for advice comes from Arzuya Shoopopper, writing in about some girl troubles.


"There's this girl that I really really like in my knitting class.  When she smiles, it brightens my day.  She is so beautiful, and I would go to the moon and back for her, but I don't think she notices me.  Help, what should I do?"

Well, first of all, thanks Arzuya, for being the first brave soul to write in.  Now, to the lil lady that has caught your attention.  To show your affection, start a conversation wither her.  For instance, start with "your hair is really shiny" or "So, gotten around to reading the new Suess novel?  What's it called, the Kitten in the Hat, or something?"  These lines are sure to score girls in no time :)  Once you've gotten her attention, bring her a ripe tomato from your fresh tomato garden that you're about to plant.  Serenade her first with a song about how her hair shines like a flashlight on a rock, or how she has the beautiful eyes of a sloth, whatever it takes to flatter her.  Hold out your big juicy tomato, preparing to present it to the girl of your dreams.  Now, girls love the element of surprise, so, to celebrate her adoration of the astonishing, abruptly smash the tomato into her face.  Not only will this acknowledgement of her enjoyment of the bewildering dazzle her and make her fall madly in love with you, but the tomato juice in her eyes will blind her, therefore causing her to forget how ugly you are!  Tell me how things go, I'm sure she'll be yours before you can say "Ow! This juice stings and there are seeds in my eyes!"  If this doesn't get her, I don't know what will.  Good luck!
Love,
Trish-Dawg
P.S. For your honeymoon, I recommend a romantic zebra ride through the far depths of Walmart.  Always a fun time!